Adventures on call

I would like to give a shout out to a few of my favorite reasons patients call me on Saturdays:

- "I'm going to be out of depends before church tomorrow!"
               -"Sorry, but this line is for emergency calls.  You not telling the day staff during the week that   you were almost out is not an emergency."

- "When is the bus coming to pick me up on Monday?"
               -"Ugh.  I'm not transportation.  I don't have their schedule.  How the f#@!k should I know?"

- "My mom has a rash!  You need to come out right now!!"
               - "Rashes are not an emergency.  She needs to be seen in the clinic on Monday and slap some Benadryl on that rash."

- "I haven't pooped in 5 days, what do I do?"
               - "Get some prune juice and lay of the pain meds."

-"I can't get my blanket on, you need to come out here and do it for me."
               -"Aw hells no.  I'm not tuck in service."

- "I feel anxious, you need to send me to the ER."
               - "Have you taken your Xanax I see you've been prescribed?"
- "No, not yet."
               - "Do you realize that's what it's there for?"
- "I don't like the way it makes me feel."
               - "Anxiety is not a reason to go to the ER.  You do know they'll just give you Ativan or Valium?"
- "But, but, I have issues, and stuff is going on, and things are happening!"
               - "Take your goddamn Xanax!"

- "You need to come out and put my mom's TED hose on her!"
               - "Noooo, her morning caregiver can do that."
- "I was told that only a nurse can come out and do that, so you need to come out here."
               - "I repeat, Noooo.  TED hose do not require a nurse to put on.  They require someone who can put socks on each foot and pull up.  A chimp could do that for you."

- "My caregiver didn't come this morning to make breakfast!"
               - "What time are they supposed to come?"
- " 10 o'clock!"
               - "You do realize it's 9:30, don't you?"

Ah, it's endless.  It makes you wonder how these people and their families take care of themselves on a daily basis...


Remember, it's just a ride.