I would like to give a shout out to a few of my favorite reasons patients call me on Saturdays:
- "I'm going to be out of depends before church tomorrow!"
-"Sorry, but this line is for emergency calls. You not telling the day staff during the week that you were almost out is not an emergency."
- "When is the bus coming to pick me up on Monday?"
-"Ugh. I'm not transportation. I don't have their schedule. How the f#@!k should I know?"
- "My mom has a rash! You need to come out right now!!"
- "Rashes are not an emergency. She needs to be seen in the clinic on Monday and slap some Benadryl on that rash."
- "I haven't pooped in 5 days, what do I do?"
- "Get some prune juice and lay of the pain meds."
-"I can't get my blanket on, you need to come out here and do it for me."
-"Aw hells no. I'm not tuck in service."
- "I feel anxious, you need to send me to the ER."
- "Have you taken your Xanax I see you've been prescribed?"
- "No, not yet."
- "Do you realize that's what it's there for?"
- "I don't like the way it makes me feel."
- "Anxiety is not a reason to go to the ER. You do know they'll just give you Ativan or Valium?"
- "But, but, I have issues, and stuff is going on, and things are happening!"
- "Take your goddamn Xanax!"
- "You need to come out and put my mom's TED hose on her!"
- "Noooo, her morning caregiver can do that."
- "I was told that only a nurse can come out and do that, so you need to come out here."
- "I repeat, Noooo. TED hose do not require a nurse to put on. They require someone who can put socks on each foot and pull up. A chimp could do that for you."
- "My caregiver didn't come this morning to make breakfast!"
- "What time are they supposed to come?"
- " 10 o'clock!"
- "You do realize it's 9:30, don't you?"
Ah, it's endless. It makes you wonder how these people and their families take care of themselves on a daily basis...
Remember, it's just a ride.